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« What Did Red Do In Germany? | Main | Finally - Culloden »

Football is meant to be played by 300 pound men wearing helmets

I'm conflicted. I want to like soccer, sorry -- football -- but I don't. I really don't. I like football just fine. No, stay with me -- American football. John Madden and Tom Landry's football. It's soccer, football to the rest of the world, that I don't like. I should probably be more athletically enlightened, but I'd rather watch synchronized swimming than soccer. Hell, I'd rather watch bass fishing. At least something happens in bass fishing, even if its just a snagged lure in the weeds. I'm not going too far out on a limb here in saying that there's a better chance of seeing a real lunker of a bass hauled in than there is of seeing a soccer goal scored.

Sporting events are meant to have scores. Preferably double digit scores, but any score will do. Imagine walking out of the Staples Center after throwing down the equivalent of a mortgage payment for tickets and saying, "Well, Kobe didn't score tonight, but he got a two shots off." 

You're buddy replies, "And how 'bout that game winning free throw with no time left?"

"One to nothing, what a nail biter."

We were at a pub not long ago where a soccer game was on. Brenna said to our friends, "Wow this is an exciting game."

Billy responded, "This is the highlights."

Hah! My point is even made by true soccer fans. They have to sit around and watch all of the goals from the past twenty years spliced together to get the adrenaline going.

I never liked playing soccer either. The three times in elementary school Pys Ed we were forced to play were torture. It was like running wind sprints with the distant hope of being able to kick a ball. I think it was around the same time we were learning the metric system. The metric system I don't mind. It's logical. It works. The metric system is more exciting than soccer.

Now, I know that damn near everyone in the civilized, marginally civilized and just plain uncivilized world agrees that football is numero uno. But by that reasoning my iTunes would be filled with Celine Dion and Yanni.

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Reader Comments (10)

I'm with you and Jim Rome on this one. Soccer is nothing but an excuse to riot.

Nov 24, 2009 at 7:10 PM | Unregistered CommenterDrew

I HATE soccer and thank God my kids never played the game either!!! But FOOTBALL as the best sport out there, come on!! How about Cardinals baseball!!!!! Now THAT'S a sport!!!! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Nov 24, 2009 at 8:22 PM | Unregistered Commenterpamela


Nov 24, 2009 at 10:35 PM | Unregistered CommenterFriend

Landon Donovan and David Beckham won't appear on TV playing soccer during a major holiday at least not in our lifetime and hopefully not during Owen's as well. Have a good Thanksgiving!

Nov 25, 2009 at 8:49 AM | Unregistered CommenterDonaldo

I love soccer! It's a great game, and it got my middle daughter a college scholarship.

Nov 25, 2009 at 9:09 AM | Unregistered CommenterLori Medlin Casagrande

Thank God for Lori's voice of dissent! Congratulations to your daughter -- that's fantastic. And, I have to say, I would do my damnedest to learn to love soccer if either of my kids played.

Nov 25, 2009 at 9:54 AM | Registered CommenterBob & Brenna Redpath

First of all BOB, Ken and I are pretty sure that the only sport you've participated in was SOCCER! It may be the Wall of Sound that's deafened our ears, but we're sure you've never uttered the 3 letters NFL in the same sentence before. Sorry you're overseas because on Thanksgiving we'll be enjoying Turkey and Football while you're eating Blood Bangers-Mash and enjoying Manchester United.

Nov 25, 2009 at 1:36 PM | Unregistered CommenterDarleen

spot on Bob!! futbal sux!!! Football RULES!!!! nuff said!!

3 NFL games today. NBA too. Full Belly. aaahhhhhhhheaven.

Happy Tday Redpaths!! Everyone from Grandmamas say hello & send lots o love!

Nov 26, 2009 at 9:12 AM | Unregistered Commentertravis

Great article. You had me laughing. I understand the game of soccer and don't have a clue when it comes to American football. My husband gave me a book called "A Sportscaster's Guide to Watching Football" by author Mark Oristano. It’s full of great tips for the novice fan, like me, to learn how to watch and understand football. It's even helping me to learn “Cool Things to say during the Game” to fake it till I learn it all!

Nov 27, 2009 at 4:52 PM | Unregistered CommenterBetty

I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving holiday, even without football, turkey and those crazy humungo balloons in the Macy's parade.
Meanwhile, the editor in me really enjoyed your clever misspelling of Phys Ed - I guess it really musta been Piss Ed (or *~!#@$% Ed?) when you had to play blasted soccer!!

Nov 27, 2009 at 7:26 PM | Unregistered CommenterIris

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